Monday, January 25, 2016

How Different Denominations Do King Cake

(On the last day of the Octave of Prayer for Christian Unity)
How Different Denominations Do King Cake

Orthodox: ‘The term "King Cake" is a Latin heresy. “Epiphany Cake” is the orthodox theological term. The first Epiphany Cake was made by the Theotokos for the Apostles in 40 A.D.' When the chef of the Bulgarian patriarch adds cinnamon to the recipe, the Bulgarian church is excommunicated by the Serbian patriarch, and Constantinople must intervene to restore peace.

Roman Catholics:
"The recipe for King Cake has been revised in accordance with Vatican II." Bishops had suppressed the old recipe, until Pope Benedict, in the Apostolic Letter "Crustum Regium" decreed that all Catholics may cook and eat the old cake whenever they wish. The local bishop’s directive implementing the letter directs that the pre-Vatican II recipe may be eaten only on the Thursday before the 4th Sunday in Ordinary Time in a parish in the diocese due to be closed in six months. In his Wednesday Angelus Address, Pope Francis recently condemned priests who praise the old recipe as tastier as "idolatrous neo-Pelagians lacking in mercy."

Baptists:
"King Cake" is Catholic idolatry. However a "Bible Cake" consisting of a braided filled brioche covered with green, purple, and yellow icing, is served on the second Sunday in February, it being stated publicly that no alcohol was used in its making.

Methodists:
King Cake is served as dessert in the February Church supper. The following Sunday a sermon on King Cake is preached by the Senior Minister, in which he is careful to avoid mentioning the Epiphany, the Three Kings, Lent, or any other religious topic.

Episcopalians:
Episcopalians do not eat King Cake, but “Epiphany Cake.” The recipe does not matter, and new recipes are encouraged. However the Association of Trans-genderist Episcopalians (ATE) have undertaken a campaign to abolish the eating of Epiphany Cake as speciesist.

Anglican Church in North America (ACNA):
ACNA has an official policy condemning recipe relativism. Permitted recipes include any recipe authorized before 2000, and any recipe put forward by the Evangelical party as promoting Church Growth. Meanwhile David Virtue has published an editorial condemning King Cake as a homosexualist Anglo-Catholic plot leading to incense and orgies.